My Identity Crisis:Financial Dependence

She works hard for the money, so hard for it honey. She works hard for the money so you better treat her right.

But what if she’s no longer bringing in that money? OK, maybe it’s a shift in the amount of money. Does that mean we don’t treat her right? How would that song go if THAT were the case? I don’t know the answer. I’m asking myself the same thing…that’s the crazy part!


Don’t ever depend on anyone for money. Specifically, a love interest aka a husband. Mom taught me that at a young age. I was raised to work hard and always fend for myself financially. The song Miss Independent was my jam. Ne-Yo should have collaborated with me for the video. I could see it vividly — a dance number in a chic suit, taking calls on a sleek retro phone, while swinging around a briefcase, and kicking up my heels on a fancy desk. But in the version I’d star in, the desk I’d be dancing around on would be covered in credit card bills if we were really being authentic! Making it rain white envelopes in a sassy outfit sounds attractive doesn’t it? But hey, I was the one paying those bills-wasn’t I? At least THAT part actually is attractive. I’ve been responsible for a long, long time and making my own money has always been an important part of who I am.

Are there things about you that are hard wired and likely impossible to change? Yes, I think so. It made me wonder just how much a part of me is tied to being financially independent. For men, it’s been tied to how they define their worth over many decades. For women, we couldn’t even open a bank account in our own name until 1975, so it’s doubtful our worth was tied to our own hard-earned money until maybe the 80’s. Perhaps over time we’ve grown to feel in a similar fashion to men. Or perhaps it’s our experiences related to money and stress that linger on. Particularly because these occurrences were most prevalent during the most impressionable years.

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Working Parent Guilt-What I’ve Learned May Surprise You

Going from a full-time to part-time working mom has been an enormous shift. One that is reshaping our family and how we do things pretty much on the daily. Big change brings about learning and a fresh perspective. Over the last 8 months I’ve learned quite a bit- not only about myself, but about my children, my husband, and about my expectations for the extra time I would have with my kids. A recent realization prompted me to write one of the more shocking things I’ve come to understand.  Something that I hope will give full-time working parents a splash of cold water on the face of guilt they wear each day as they trudge off to work.

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Always an Applicant, Never A New Hire

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. That’s how I feel in this cyberspace job applicant jungle. If I told you that I have been applying to jobs for the last six years, yes, SIX years, would you believe me? I mean, I’d like to think I’m all that and a bag of chips when it comes to the being the right person for the role, but it doesn’t matter if I am or not, because the bottom line is it’s incredibly rare that the companies ever meet me in person. Half the time they don’t get to see me face to face, feel my positive vibe, and let me speak about how I’d be a solid asset to their team. I used to get incredibly down on myself as to why I was never selected, even in instances when I made it to the final round. I had to figure out the why. It drove me crazy.

Meanwhile, I started talking openly about it with friends, their families, old colleagues, acquaintances, strangers I met at events with my kids, and even co-workers. I was awed over how many of them were in this hunt alongside me. And they were also stumped in their time sapping job searches; time traveling to the future of nowhere.

Prior to the economic crisis in 2008, the process in which one was hired followed a seemingly typical path. You apply to a few jobs of interest, and out of those jobs, you hear back from one or two of the handful you’ve applied to. You pass that initial screen, you are invited to an in-person interview and maybe there is a second and final in person interview that seals the deal.

This is no longer the case. If you are currently a job seeker, take inventory right now in this moment at how much time you have spent applying, having phone interviews, the assignments you’ve been asked to do, and the number of in-person interviews you have been asked to make yourself available for. Is your mind blown yet? It’s probably a scary number of hours, days, weeks, maybe even years.

It is this time spent applying to countless jobs that I will never get back. Evenings that I could have been having connection with my husband, or taking a dance or exercise class, or just plain recuperating and decompressing from the current work day. Instead I was always pushing to get a new gig, thinking that if I wasn’t persistently trying to change my current situation, then I’d be miserable and stuck forever. I don’t like to complain about a situation without trying to fix it.

Aside from trying to fix the problem for 6 years, I often angsted over it taking over my thoughts. My youngest son is four and a half and it’s crazy to think that I have been so focused on this one thing for his entire existence. I have been searching for a new job since before he was conceived, paused the search during my pregnancy, and resumed it right after maternity leave. This was often consuming my thoughts as I was desperate to get out.I know I was not mentally present sometimes during his and his brother’s precious bedtimes; which is the time of day working parents treasure with their children. It was so obvious during that time that I actually wrote about it in Focused on Distraction.

I wanted to be the best version of myself for my boys, but often during these times of job hunting I’m sure they saw and felt my sadness. Always torn between trying to paint on a smile for them, but knowing I wasn’t really feeling it. Kids are like sponges- they soak it all in.

I would like to take this moment to pay homage to all of the single people out there who have been hustling, trying everything they can to meet their mate. It’s comparable to those of us on the never-ending, fruitless job search.  I know how you feel now. We cringe inside every time someone asks how the search is going, just as a single person does when someone asks why haven’t you met anyone yet. You start to feel like something is wrong with you, as though you’re the King or Queen of rejection. You can’t help but feel that people are judging you, and it fuels all of your insecurities related to that one thing that just isn’t panning out.

This is not to say that no one actually gets job offers these days. I have known a handful of people in the last six years that have landed new jobs very quickly. This is incredibly fortunate because this just seems so rare nowadays. I tell these people they have no idea how lucky they are, and they either have Einstein’s genes or should go buy a lottery ticket right now.

I would ask myself, “Is it my resume? Was my spiel about what I’ve been recently doing not short and sweet enough? Was my salary not in the right range? Was it because they figured out I’m a parent and may have to leave right at 5?” The analyzing is endless. I actually really started to doubt my worth in the one area I had always felt strong in. Interviews in the past did not feel like the post 2008 era. Prior to 2008 getting a job felt really easy.

I’m mad at myself now for feeling that way, because my worth is not defined by whether or not a company wants to hire me. If nothing else, please take that away from this article. Your worth is not defined by whether or not a company wants to hire you.

It’s good to be open to advice, there is always the chance you are making mistakes along the way and could use some help. I reached out to my support system and their suggestions were added to my to-do list:  have several variations of my resume, set up a profile on all the job search engines I can find, call recruiters, after applying to a position be sure to connect with colleagues on LinkedIn that are affiliated with contacts within the company that I am seeking employment with,  have at least 2 to 3 references on LinkedIn, create a portfolio of your work and share it, send emails to close friends, acquaintances, and old colleagues to see if they know of any openings, etc. One key thing I learned at the tail end of the six year journey of becoming a professional interviewer was that my salary was above my title. So often when they would ask me what I was currently making, they would quickly get off the phone and say I was too senior. I would say, I don’t think so, I read the job description, and they would say they just didn’t have it in the budget. If I told them I would take the lower salary (which in some instances I did) they never went for it. If only they knew what a great employee I would be. I just wanted to be free from where I was-even if it meant a pay cut.

If you’re reading this and you’re still wondering just how many jobs I applied to, let me break it down. I realize this opens me up for much judgement and perhaps trash talk, but without vulnerability who are we as people?

On average, I would apply to roughly 1 to 3 jobs a night, about 3 days a week, over the course of six years with a break while I was pregnant. Between 2011 and 2017 I applied to roughly 260-780 jobs. Out of those jobs, I received phone interviews for roughly 1 out of every 15 jobs.  Out of those phone screens, I made it to the next round 50% of the time. I made it to the second round 25% of the time.  Following that, I made it to the final round 6 times and received actual job offers twice. Let me repeat that- out of 260-780 jobs that I applied to, I received 2.5 job offers. I say 2.5 because one was in the works and I shut it down because it didn’t feel right. Out of those other two offers, one rescinded their offer after deciding to split the salary and give it to two college grads.  I turned down the other one due to the amount of travel and the coinciding of another opportunity that presented itself in late 2016 at the current company I was with.  I stayed the course, happy in my new role for a bit until some unexpected internal changes took place, then I was back to work as a late night job seeker.

This never ending cycle of rejection got me thinking perhaps I’m just not cut out for the post 2008 corporate recruiting process? How many more years could this go on? How much longer will I knowingly be unhappy in my professional life while doing everything in my power to try to change it?  Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me to walk away and do something else as a means to contribute to society and provide for my family?

And then rock bottom came. Things at my current job got to a point where I could not balance my personal life and my work life any longer.  It was all-consuming for many different reasons and it was time to do something. In order to keep my sanity, I turned in my resignation. I had been trying to leave for so long and without luck, I had given the new position my all, but could no longer go forward. The mere idea of logging back on to those job search sites made me want to hitch a ride with Thelma and Louise.

Overshadowing my new found freedom was the reality that I’d once again have to boot up and start applying. There is a strong feeling that my courtship with the corporate world is over unless a progressive, family friendly company comes a knockin’.

If you are in this same situation and you are reading this nodding your head and day dreaming of quitting in the same fashion, I can tell you how it turned out. I can tell you what I’ve come to learn from all of this rejection. 1.) Something else will crop up 2.) You, yourself define your worth;not a job, a company, or a person, 3.) if you try like hell to change something and the door of change just won’t open… try a window or another way out- no matter how much the fear paralyzes you. 4.) You will most likely have to make some financial sacrifices. This will not outweigh getting your sense of self back, but you will have to be OK with not living the life you once did for a bit.

Trust me on this. I have no regrets on making this decision.


Where am I now? Did I win the lottery and go to live on an island or start my own company and become a millionaire – well yes- I did. Just kidding, no I didn’t. However, one month and one week after I quit my job I had a job offer that manifested in an unreal way. I still cannot believe how things unfolded. Life is truly unpredictable.

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